Its cold brushed steel- eyes wide as I sight her in- loaded each chamber with gun powder and the flavor of my goodbye- let you feel this metal- pressed hard against your teeth- notice my trembling hands shake right through your jaw- the fear of this moment- resonates in my every limb- I've only been as strong as you've allowed- over stepped my boundries and fell- now- each step weighs me down-

She said fuck christmas we'll drink patron- I said fuck that I'll drink alone- sit a top that bluff by the highway- the one where I broke my wrist- down this bottle one swig at a time- and tell no one about my christmas wish- I want fire and passion- poetry and prose- I want an exchange of song lyrics and matching tattoos- I want endless conversations that burrough right through the night- I want laughter- I want pain- I want that promise of eternity and I want it now- I want it now- I want it now- say it three times and its no where closer to the truth- this bottle- this boy- both empty and guzzled quick- who will hold me when the sun breaks...

Its ok

I'm invested in you.

I've been bested by you.

Taken to a new level

only to be floored by a voice

and words

that once made me pure

If I apologize

that means that I acknowledge

my own farewell...

this is not an exit

I do not recognize goodbyes

We've worked

laughed

and loved to hard to release this grip

I just needed a little time

so I borrowed it from you

bed

Woke up this morning and realized that I was holding tight to the impression your body worked into my mattress dove nose first into the sheets savoring the last remnants of your scent and I won't mention the darkness and the black curtain you hung so we could sleep later its mixed bag darling and I am an extremist

it's all in the hips

its morning and its bright
consoled by a milk white angel

if i were you I'd be scared too

boys who look like me
are not supposed to talk like that
boys who talk like me
are not supposed to dance that way
boys who dance like me
are not supposed feel like this

if you think its to good to be true
just wait
I'm only getting started

couldn't just let it be

most men want to make candle comparisons
not me baby
I am a visionary
as if candles could shine as bright as stars

and you

you're a constellation
let me be a satellite
I'll revolve around you
reflecting the light given to me
as I have none of my own

the light that will not die

She was from the windy city
she blew right through me
allowed me to become more beautiful than I ever was

I hate these memories
as they are nothing more
than mistakes I still hate to admit that I made

those eyes
those lips
those hips
she still exists

it seems the idea of her has yet to die
no matter how hard
my empty arms
beg to disagree
I'll never say goodbye to moments like these
because no matter how difficult
the realization is that she's not laying by my side
my perfect memory of her
saves me every time

its always a re-creation

This weather reminds me of our famous blizzard of '96
I was 15 and I had just broke up with the first girl I'd ever loved
its not my intent to pollute this screen
with metaphors or analogies
or to make a comparison between
this relentless snow
and
the breaking of my heart
but its cold
I'm alone
and
its snowing hard...

she's got two dogs and a dying dream

You're right girl
I might not have the fire that would
set this city ablaze
but I think I've got enough heat
to burn you down
to light a match
breathe
and watch your world tumble to the ground

I'm only here for a moment dear
don't wait too long
you know my bones are are dying to disappear
but before I decide to step away
hold up wait
no
I'm not gonna attack you
because
I have you
I know what you do when you're alone
sitting empty in that
comfortably constructed compromise
you call a town home

suddenly
needing a fix
no slow drink to dull the itch
your fingers glide
erotic movement
no ones looking
it'll be alright
let the foreplay begin
pressing hard against
time
with passion
you want to scream
yet instead you whisper
seven
one
nine

I don't need a ring
darling you know which door is mine
its wide open
torn from its hinges years ago
decorated in fancy lights
that I fashioned to blink your name

I apologize
for this
I know
I'm a hard act to follow
but if you can't spit flames
you might as well swallow

lets bang this one out

She's got a drawer full of scotch tape and safety pins

rock-paper-scissors-

I've got something that always wins

watch me ignite this blow torch

not to burn or lose you

instead an attempt to fuse you

to me

let our skin melt together

as if our seering flesh

will give the scent of our very own unity candle

prove to the world

that you were attached

long before you were hitched

that you long for these lips

even though they've never felt your kiss

and

all the boys

who have are poor substitutes

cause me and layton are on the wish list

as we are

as of now fictional characters

in a book never written

or

atleast never finished

so listen carefully

as that swing arm raises

and crashes so beautifully against the page

the long awaited first letter

of the first word

as we began to write this story

one climax at a time...

when they danced

Looking out over these night time fields- Lights hover low like prison watch- there are no bars here- no serpentine fences captivating dreams- only open roads and suspended smoke- I can spin dizzily for hours watch the horizon be broken- shattered by mountain tops- tell me about the olden days- about ancient ways- getting high on steam from boiling rocks- as our people danced magically around hero flames- delirious now- my words fall from tired hands- I'm still spinning- yet- the party somehow undertands- that though I may never be understood- they want to able- to tell the world that- once upon a time- they knew me

(something changed the space between us)

Days from home- miles from familiar something stirs- I. the brand new animal lost in a foriegn world- I have memories of flashbacks or maybe flashbacks of memories- or maybe- maybe they're nothing-nothing but gentle apparitions of ficticious moments- has anything occurred- have I always been this way or have I changed- maybe more aware- still- I can not tell- am I stronger now or more fragile than the eggshells that seperate us- I aim to find out- and if I do I promise not to blame any one but myself- desperate- these words run from me- so I repeat- as once I was blind. But now...

she flies i drive

Traveling long ways down empty highway roads- forward always- drive softly towards the center of nowhere- the sun settles swiftly behind that rocky mountain struggle- ever hopeless romantic starving lover- lost- missed exits- u turns made- the past is the past- the future ever present- constant understanding that nothing will ever be the same- I coludnt come back if I tried- I am new in you- beautiful perfection- reflected in that setting sun...

waiting

The alcohol washes over me- warm- like heroin waves- spending the night alone- in this coffin-as I am salt-sweat-stitched to these sheets- nights I wanted to be painless- lift a bottle to her words- an attempt to drink away her hurts- terror nights- a mirror full of terror lines- watch my friends destroy themselves- these are trialed times- they wonder why I stay up late and drink too much- I am a watchmen - keeping a weathered eye upon that horizon- waiting for a sign- as if I could see her walking through the arches of St. Louis or wandering through the Kansas plains- I keep watch- I'll keep the light on darling- burning until I burn down...

im alive

This is a death speech- honest words from a slurring tongue- she's beautiful even from across a million miles- her smile still saves me- on black out nights this pavement seems to be exactly what I deserve- hard-cold-un forgiving-forgive me-forget me- its for the best she told me- re wrapped and sold me- now I wander these streets- they wrap their arms around me- show me the secrets of branches breaking clouds-frozen fingers reaching towards a failing sky- never say good bye- but I will say good night

She was my debutante- I was a disaster- she was a lion - I was just a boy- let's take you to the circus- with no rings- watch how easily I manipulate and move you- fearing for my life at every eager gesture- the dirt scuffles and the audience roars- the dust settles - we dance a devils dance responding to eachothers every move- won't you devour me- do not be tamed- in an exchange of names- I'm no submissive - I'm a magician- watch how quickly you'll apear

truth is in the details

I'm unable to lick

this addiction

cause I'm trying to kick it

with a fix

And

if I keep on fixing

I'll stay broken

Once

I was lost

so desperate

to vanish from

this world

I locked myself in a car

and

drove for hours

un-able to see

past that painless

cloud of smoke

through the windshield

upon a city

full of loved ones

who so passionately

wanted to see me alive

but I'd want to die

heavy like

a sand bag

death driver

with burning hands

I held tight

to a steering wheel

taking me nowhere

eyes bright in dimmer

lights painted

face in shades of white

wearing

a smile my painted lie

Oh

you

want to hear

about recovery

about

cycles and triggers

how about your read

my empty hands

and

calloused fingers...

I'm more than a story

I'm a goddamn library

i'll tell you this

Miracle
that's what I'll call you
as time
roads
street signs
have no meaning to a love like this
memories hold so much happiness
enough to smile for every one

however

its not my memories that sustain me
its those memories waiting to be created
there is but one challenge in this life
to find love and know it
I have and I do
you have
and
you will
more fiercely than ever imagined

I still tremble at your voice
shiver at the thought of you
as
each word holds me comforted
has the power to destroy me

so I'll bask in that sound
sweet as harp strings
tap it out to the pattern of your breathing
how it has me dancing
bathed in a blessing
and a capacity for understanding
that sometimes
songs
are written inside the breaths of
the one you love

and the name of that song?

Miracle

that's what I'll call you

our own personal symphony

For the first time in a long time I am in the sun as we shine I close my eyes and blood fills my eyelids and the light dances across my face like the sultry fingertips of a forgotten lover. Its beautiful how something as simple as sitting in the sun can become a small miracle. And now it rains. And I walk. I let every tiny raindrop embrace my skin. Each cold sensation reminds of a girl I left back home. And I remember those late nights of laughter as we danced like angels to a symphony that never existed.