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Brianspillman.wordpess.com

two hundred million

aged 5 years since yesterday

I'll be 50 before I know it

and it happens in

the smallest of increments

lived through everything

struggled against the wind

and

the rain

one second at a time

if I could only remember them all

the second I met her

the second I left her

at 2,000,003 I hoped for the best

at 2,000,006 I was let down

I curse at most of them

feel blessed in few

most just pass me by

I'm keeping a couple in

my pocket just in case

You gave me this

you are in every word

I write

Every tap against these

k

e

y

s

The vibration of your

memory goes straight

from tips

to

toes

From keyboard

to

electric soul

I'm on a heater

I've started this piece

Over

I've ran it through my

Hands

My head

But its yet to reach my heart

Nothing pours out of me like it did

Just two short months ago

She hasnt lost it

But I'm losing every day

This is the epic losing streak

All the pros talk about

Havent had the cards in my favor

For a while now

But I've been counting the

Deck and ready to go all in

On a hand full

Of just one

Queen

a thousand loves

We pluck the heart strings

of a thousand loves

only to find

that few

Know the melody

that we constantly hum

and only one

knows our song word

for

word

Loss of Words

Fold your arms like this

Bury me like this

I want to be the memory

That fails you

The memory you can barely

Find on the loneliest of nights

The one that fades to grey

Moments before my face

Becomes clear

So forget me

It will be easier that way

Sunday Morning

When we sleep

we hold our feet

find security

in each others

ten touching toes

sleep softly against the sunrise

listen to the silence

of yellow street lights

blinking in perfect

unison

like the heart beat of

our sad sad city

one word can change everything

here's all I have left

as I open up my hands

and offer a picture of us

burnt to a crisp by

her memories of me

here are my letters

carefully chronicled

returned to sender

in a plain

white book we"ll

entitled

"I would rather go blind than to read these again"

these are our songs

I've a library of music

dedicated solely to her

even though she exists

between the third and fourth counts

of every song ever written

and

that is our future

just like a graduation speech

we are full of potential

open to endless possibilities

you you you

It's a midnight happy hour

strolling along silky streets

we are everywhere

we are nowhere

this is magic

we are myth

Tell me stories

my sweet

comfort me

with whit my dear

hold me close

with bruise-ed

arms

I'll let that soft accent

whisper

me to sleep

holding your picture

as if it stole a piece

of you...and now its mine

sunflower season

THEY'RE SUNFLOWERS!

I screamed as I sat

for a season and watched

our love bloom

like two wild flowers

out growing my mother's

garden

they are me and you

love

tall as trees

giants among the lilies

remember us

I'll keep the dead in my pockets

as proof that we existed

for

winter is aggressively approaching

Strange and Drunk

Stayed up late last night

half naked

in the dark

reading Jim Morrison's

The American Night

and I realized

that

I

am

a far better writer

than he was

but only half the drinker

so I bought 2 bottles

of Jack

and this is all I came up with

Pat Benatar had it right

We're sitting

on opposite ends of this

chess board

darling

I'm the Dark Glass

King

You the Light Glass

Queen

Staring

Daring

The other to make

The first move

I'm afraid I move

to slowly

one square at a time

and you move anywhere

but forward

everyone's gone

now baby

everyone's left the table

no one to help us

ease this war

this love

and I

I am

staying

alive against all odds

for one chance to make you mine

one night stands are so....

I follow you like you're

a gospel text

down the middle of dotted

lines

right into the brightest

city I've barely seen

I live like I ride

ten feet at a time

making last minute decisions

and wondering why

the world

doesn't

or you

don't respond as

quickly as I'd like

So here I am

poor choices and horrible timing

hung around my neck

like some rusty anchors

slowly sinking

to the bottom of this

slutty sea

I will not title this piece Today

You wake up

You tell yourself

Today

Life starts

Today

then life actually does start

and you forget what

Today

was meant to be

Then you sleep

Make me Amazing

Smart

Sophisticated

Beauty

Aren't you a princess

I let your name roll off my

lips

like its the last taste

I'll ever know

But you'll never know

I'll keep this piece a secret

Published long enough

for you to read it

And read it well

as my hands are

on fire with the things I've wished

to tell

you

My mouth stays frozen

tongue held still

behind my teeth

opened momentarily

so i can breathe

yet you leave me

breathless

restless

with your

effortless smile

enough

Amazing

Darling that word isn't big enough to hold you

I know

the ocean of stars
above me

is no longer
enough

to call beautiful

now

that my nights are
spent with

you

beauty fades

These clouds stand frozen

like the last remnants

of an atomic bomb

and in this heat

I watch everything

bloom and fade

everyone loves a good tan

until your poisoned by the sun

pros and cons baby

pros and cons

short

from that angle everything
looks better
so please keep looking
at me
from
right there

Sights are set

I am no more an assassin

than I am a poet

I breathe to heavy

I shake too much

My mind never clear enough

never still enough

yet I sit in this chair

steady my legs

pop my fingers

inhale

exhale

and type

I'm not good enough to kill

but I'll severely wound

everyone

Somethings Stay With You

I haven't been in love

since I vacationed in Mexico

Lust

hot like that

Tijuana summer

aged just enough

to know the difference

between love

and tequila

Sweaty

on those dusty streets

flip flops march

through pick pockets

and small dark children

offering "chicle"

walked along that pier

out towards coronado

it seemed to go on forever

but everything ends

everything

it is what it is

she asks for love

poems

as

if

they

ooze out of me like

lyrics in an acoustic

set at some

dark coffee house

but I don't play

guitar any more

and

I hate chai

but I will say this

you're as important today

as you were when we met

and my love for you and everything

you are

you do

you live for

only grows exponentially

it will continue to do so

until the universe recognizes

us

and finally concedes that we will not

end

a city weeps with me

Woke up this morning to find

that I'd been widowed by my

heart

Left this hole inside my chest

serrated edges

with a surgeon's precision

It's true what they say

there ain't no sunshine when

she's gone

the song sings

clear and true

that I'm not myself

when

I'm not with you

its overcast

in the forecast

minutes cease to pass

alcohol will not last

everyone asks

about my laugh

but

thats gone too

my smile in a

head on collision

with

your absence

I'll end this

now

Don't want this piece

to become

a sloppy love jingle

I'm no

gym class hero

I am

however

a ski ball champion

Yes

I brought up that again

because the memories
of you and me

are the

memories that I keep

the moments that I save

the perfect recollections

I'm taking to my grave

They'll find me

with my smile in my

casket

Because if I live and die

for you

then I've lived

my life with passion

To Really Notice

I sometimes wonder

what you see

when you see

me

Do you notice me

Do you notice

when you walk into

a room

my mood

my day

my life changes

Do you notice

how when the light

comes crashing through

these windows

it casts shadows

from your hair across your face

Do you notice

your smile

when you laugh

your nose crinkles

a little and its perfection

Do you notice

that when we dance

the room stops to watch

Do you notice

these minutes apart

spent like small eternities

waiting for a spark

of your existence

Do you notice me

Like I notice you

older now

its hot in this town tonight

the heat makes everyone

a little crazy

sweaty

as the alcohol produces

louder screams

shorter tempers

sloppier smiles

easier girls

violent men

I was a part of each of those

at some point in my life

still am

but tonight this couch

is comfortable

30 is closer than I had planned

I am

No one knows what its

like to be a God

but I do

Friday Morning CNN

I am momentary

I flip on CNN too focus

on anything but what my morning brings

what my night will entail

Its all oil spills

and economy and I am

so

selfish that I still

relate it all to me

to

my life

as now every phone call

text message

kiss good bye

kiss hello

longing

hoping

wanting

is my breaking news

I have no one to assist

in damage control

I never devised a

emergency clean up

plan

for the first time in my life

I am completely

awed

Economists tell me I should

have

got out early

But I'll go broke

before I walk away

words can't express

you don't come back from days like these

moments like these

a love like this

you'll never be more beautiful

then you are in my eyes

more perfect

more amazing

poetry doesn't work

for you dear

it seems every part

of

you writes

itself

and you have me

I'm not going anywhere

Too Late

I love

women

whiskey

and coke

I should have been born in

a different era

I'd have a street named after me

in Vegas

That's it

I look for your work

everywhere

like I need fix

and I'm on hands and knees

rummaging through

these burning streets

I don't know what happened

or when your choice was made

but I'm glad you made

it

I'm a fad dear

I'm just a boy from university

you never got to fuck

Glossolalia

Christians believe in a Divine language

a language spoke by the soul

As if its the souls only way to cry out

This is you love

this is me

crying out for you

my skin demanding

the closest

proximity to yours

my hands washed

and new

yet

this mouth has nothing to offer

that you haven't heard a million times

before

Even now

as I desperately search for words

I realize there's nothing left to say

No more that I could do

Mythology says Zeus

split

Perfect humans in half

for fear of their power

We were meant to collide with

one another

thanks for waiting

I rely on me

I am a testament

that it's possible

to reconstruct the ashes

if you burn yourself

alive

24/7

You are captain

of this ship I engine

This boat moves

because I move it

You steer

me clear

of danger

Navigate the ice

and the rocks

Guide me safely home

Guide me safely home

I write good morning love

she responds the same

it's amazing all the same

You take what you can get on days like

today

4 on 4 off

like a work schedule

not on my side dear

this is a 7 day a week gig

this is a never ending

unconditional

irrational

desperate love

sadly the hope I have in her will

only make her hurt

So I'll hurt

tuck this away

inside the breast pocket

of my fanciest coat

I'm no savior

just a man committed to her smile

and all the ways I've learned to make

that happen

hope this helps

its moments away

and he can feel it

watch the clock

tick

like a countdown

remember the time that

he said what he said

when he made you smile

when he made you proud

when he made you forget

prior pains

he was a father when

yours went away

he was a rock

with a pomp

a stud and he knew it

he won't be there to hold you

but he'll still be there when you fall

stay strong

the sun will still rise

with one extra angel to help

it on its way

Mizar and Alcor

we are binary stars

drawn together

by light and gravity

only to illuminate the other

your sadness

is

my sadness

your fear

my fear

your love

my love

the list could forever continue

I tremble at the idea

of you and me darling

like infinite density

its fictional

but its physics baby

we will occupy this space

at the same time

completely enveloped

in the other

this love is science

it's mystery

and it's magic

and you

you are the Answer

I've been waiting for

Being sober is over......rated

This soberness

(early morning birds chirping)

has me hating the

emotions that come with it

never knew what it was like to actually

feel or heal

a wound

just pour that OLD NO. 7

on it until it numbs

or i pass out

it's easy to smile

when my nights

are always three shots in

three lines

out

been self medicating since i was 14

girls must of walked hand

in

hand

with the drugs

so much older now

I've un-stitched the pabst

from my right hand

and the glass of whiskey

from my left

and all I want to do is hold you

Truth oh! Truth

She has someone for that

She has someone for that

remind yourself

of the simple facts

So when you want to help

just tell yourself

Don't lift a Goddamn finger

She has someone for that

Wishes are for suckers

I wish I was from Canada

I wish I grew up where you grew up

I would of been years ahead of where

I am now

I would fit

This small town sham

holds me too tight

with its views on fashion

and lifestyles

Fuck you...

Just because I look like this

Dress like this

Do what I do

Only means I'm comfortable

yet

I'm a foreigner whether or not

my residency claims it

Won't you

Claim me

Please

You let me be free

In your world I'm normal

In your world I'm brilliant

In your world I'd be me

I'm so sick of this skin

it only weighs me down

This has to stop

There is no second place

not in my world

I've never seen anything but blue ribbons

In fact I don't even know

what the other colors are

does anyone

I will love you harder

and more fiercely than you've

ever known

I already do

I can barely contain it

now in this secrecy

It drips from my soul

into every ligament

This isn't me love

This is pain and pleasure

tucked securely behind

pleasant conversation

I turn every word you say into

a piece of my art...

which ever medium I choose

Its you now

She is everywhere now...

Cliche

To say

that no one compares

as your name leaves my mouth

my lungs gasp for air

This is truth

as every moment of my day

revolves is some way

around this souls' cry

for suicide

but believe you me

I'm not leaving honey

I want to burn alive

in hopes that someone better

is buried inside

To cleanse myself of the ashes

Maybe then these limbs would be worthy of you

This is honesty

So brutal it's tough to express

But I'll try

I promise every day I'll try

I will tell you that

the stars remind me of your hips

That the cool breeze touches like your kiss

that being in your arms

is merely the result of the purist wish

There aren't words for this

Today I feel alive

Thank you for that

friends are the world

friends come and go
but some stay

forever

if i was alone right now
life would be awful

you make it amazing

smile

camera on

flash

if i had tears
they'd fall

i'm out

so please let them know
that life is better than its been in awhile

Awful Truth

It's hard in this position

Vulnerable

Powerful

Someone had to stop

Wordless

As syllables struggle to leave

my finger tips

like nails in the coffin

of a restless soul

freeing them only spells

tragedy

poisonous romance

It lives and dies with me

You were amazing long

before we met

I fear I was only an anchor

on a boat attempting to fly

You are free now

Tell him

I'm sorry

I would never want to someone

to do

what I did

To me

Knowledge

My grandpa used to tell me that

when there was thunder

God's angels were bowling

In grade 7

I learned the magic of mythology

and my teacher told us

about Zeus and his

mastery of the lightning bolt

At university

I learned the science

Negative an positive ions

colliding

Thunder is its sound

My grandpa believed beyond

all things the power of God

And

when my mythology teacher

was diagnosed with cancer

I used to see him at the church

I attended

My professor

is a scientist and will

not be swayed

Faith VS. Facts

Me?

after all these years

all this heartache

all these hurts

When I questioned God

When I cursed him

for my mistakes

I was lost

Now

older

wiser

believer

and working on

picking up

A 7 - 10 Split

A willingness to quit

You say it's over

as if those words could possibly

exist

between

me and you

The planets cannot stop

revolving

The stars will continue

to shine

But even stars fall

I guess

Ten Seconds and Counting

My heart is a time bomb

wont you wind back this clock

so i can survive a bit longer

just to spend seconds with you

Can't decide between

green and red wires?

Fuck it

Unplug the whole thing

and jam me straight into

you

Let me synchronize

Dial you in so

we can live

and

die

In our precision

In our moment

as we create and breathe

only

for

one another

BOOM

Contemplating the idea of being just me

She says I'm more than this

more than this singular existence I've

created for myself

Pope

Newton

Galileo

Single

Singular amazing men

Never wanted to abandon their art

for love

Surely I am not as bright

as these

surely

Tried to be an island...

I’m a devil

Liar

My smile is a forgery

Of the worst kind

Please don’t believe in me

I try and try

To find some

Sense of goodness within

I get lost every time

They’re right aren’t they ma

I am what those people say I am

Cocky, bold and less than beautiful

Dark, cold and calloused

Genius

I’ll end up just like the rest

Alone with the thoughts that refuse

To conform

Calling out for anyone still willing

To listen

Please listen

I’ve had one or two along the way

It’s always a mess

I give no warning for my ways

Or those days

They know about

Those days

I apologize to you both

Whatever that means

I haven’t been on my knees In awhile

They say that’s all it takes

Fuck it seems like a long way down

broken

with nothing left

to sell

And I can’t fake it for much longer

I will not conform

But I will confess

That I can’t do this on my own

Nice To Meet You

The snow is white

perfect

pure

nothing like me

exactly like her

in my eyes

she's everything I've ever

wanted

I

am

Nothing

She's ever known

Cliche I know

My footsteps against

these streets pile high

Headphones on

nothing but the music I love

in perfect unison with the beating

of my heart

Acoustic guitar now please

I can only scream so many songs

about infidelities and how

everything

hurts

So I'm changing the mood

changing the tune

This morning is beautiful

Wake up

and

let those eyes shine

Around and Around

I am lifeless

long nights make for even longer days

each word clumsily falls from my fingertips

drips into this keyboard and takes on a world

of its own

Its one of those days again

Down

Don't know how long this one's

gonna last

Barely made it through the last stretch

the mirror holds nothing for me

who the fuck is that guy

old

pale

white

tired

How is it possible to hate

the skin you wear

and yet know that its

handsome enough to take home

the entire lot

They're not privi

to the knowledge you and I

have of myself

And that's why I love you

Never asked for more than

exactly what I am

Unfortunately it's always too much

or

never enough

I hate this hit or miss scene

Its not a love 'em

and leave 'em thing

Because I can't love anyone but you

and you've made it impossible to leave

What Now?

4 a.m. is no time for walking

the air freezes

and your joints ache

fingers stretch towards anything thats warm

the clouds blend perfectly with the sky

I make decisions between the stars

wondering if they're yours or mine

still empty handed

I offer you everything

This blood is useless

when you've swallowed my heart

These arms are pointless

when they only hold on

to memories that

become less clear everyday

and these hands

oh,

these hands

how they long for another pair

begging to be held

you inspired me enough to write

but I am no where closer to

where I want and need to be

Tell me...

what now?

There will be no story

I am alone again

as this world crashes down upon me

my own insecurities

or obvious failures

become waves that I struggle against

and I

attempt to shut down this

impossible ocean I've left between us

gapping like some hole left by a harpoon

I am no great white

no trophy

I was merely bait

as you were netted by better men

I should be painting

I

am an artist

of a different breed

only able to create

as much as this blood will allow

even now

these words spread it thin

Sadly my life

is a moving representation

of my horrible timing

"One at a time Bri..."

My mother's words still ring true

As I find it impossible to woo

And you...

You who has pushed me

to the limit

time

and

time again...

Pressed me once again for words

I feel it more more difficult than

I originally imagined

so even though I've failed to hit the mark

with this...

I'll attempt to find us in my canvas

impossible to let it go

vanished like a slow vapor

walked out into the coldest night

warmed my hands with my own breath

a soft song sings to me

I'm old enough now to know that

alcohol

ice

and memories of you never mix well

still I thirst

what did we expect would happen

an alcoholic

an addict

a poet

as if it was remotely possible for me to let you go

she asked

"if you're not a beggar, then why are you on your knees?"

because baby

I'm searching your shadow for truth

more than words

Its all in a book
somewhere
I promise
circulating the east coast
as we speak...

someone loves me
traded her last name to be come a God
and this little bible she wrote
holds my hands like a lost gospel

she is bold
and
alive

inspires me towards lofty heights
inspires me towards heaven

thank you